The researchers at Dalhouse University had recorded a new disease today. The illness, called donaldus micimus has been dubbed "McDitis," by many. The disease attacks the victim's head, and transforms it into a large hamburger. The most recent case of McDitis has been recorded in the small town of Stellarton, Nova Scotia. Melita Allan, a 17-year-old student, who has been an employee at the local McDonald's for over a year, woke up one morning to find that she was a "burger-head." Melita had been working long hours at the fast food restaurant, and had grown quite close to the burgers she cooks. Ms. Allan did not seem distressed, however, because as she said: "I can now identify with the voluminous ellipsoid formations of congealed mammalian substances that nourish the plethora of homo sapiens who exploit this terrestrial formation."

A team of cryptographers for the CSIS, the Canadian spy organization, are still attempting to figure out what was meant by her comment. The symptoms of this disease are easy to spot. The carrier first shows a great desire to visit McDonald's whenever possible, which escalates until the patient cannot spend more than one hour without mentioning the name of the popular fast food joint. The remedy for this condition is to be held alone, in a room for a week, with absolutely no contact to the McDonald's food chain. However, once the patient's head has been "burgerized," there is no hope. In the case of Melita Allan, the company is attempting to reach a contract agreement, which will pay her to become their new mascot in place of the famous Ronald McDonald.